it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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