You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
