Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
