You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
