something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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