just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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