I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
