There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
How does one acquire holy water?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
