I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
