How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
