you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
