I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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