and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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