I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Randomize
