if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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