I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
