im about as happy as oj after his trial
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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