Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
