dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i love accidental penises.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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