I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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