guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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