But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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