you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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