the condom got lost in my hair
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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