i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
