Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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