I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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