I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
