my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
