I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Someone shattered a urinal.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
