i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
