dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
