ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
