im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
