I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
