so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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