I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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