Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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