In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
