she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
