I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
