I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I pour the whiskey from now on
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
