shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
