somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
