Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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