I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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