You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
