You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
