After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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