Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
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