How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
And then he peed in my hair
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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